late night post

I’ve dealt with a lot of shit within the last 3-4 weeks that most people my age wouldn’t have to, assuming responsibilities for the consequences of MY actions as a true adult. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about everything because I do, to a certain extent. But conversations aren’t worthwhile when the other person can’t relate, can’t advise me when they themselves haven’t stepped in my shoes.

To be honest, the last few weeks have been tough. Really tough. There hasn’t been a day that hasn’t passed where I haven’t thought about that and it sucks. Replaying it in my mind. Thinking of all the things I could have done differently. Thinking of how everything would be MUCH better if I wasn’t in this current situation. Only when I keep busy do I find myself forgetting the problem…even just for a tiny while. I’m happy that my mom’s in China having fun but dealing with everything without her is a little overwhelming at the moment. Almost had a huge breakdown Saturday because I felt so lonely and homesick without her but I was lucky enough to be served a temporary remedy in the form of Spaghetti Dinner.

And I can’t help but think about Jenny ahyi amidst everything, too. I’ve yet to have proper alone time to fully mourn and accept her death, hiding the little emotional wreck I truly am. Note to self: must find some alone time. Crying once in a while helps, really. 

But in the end, back to the crux of this post, even though I have to deal with all this shit, I must remain strong, for that is the only acceptable option. I can do this. Coming out of this strong will just make me a better person.